


Let Us Go Then, You and I

by lucdarling



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Minor Character Death, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2012-07-08
Packaged: 2017-11-09 10:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucdarling/pseuds/lucdarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a lover's tale not written down and spoken of in whispers, a cautionary warning. Those who do remember, who were around, cluck their tongue and say <i>isn't it so sad what happened.</i> They do not know the full story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Us Go Then, You and I

Jefferson, better known as the Hatter, makes his living by walking between worlds, acting as the King's consort and running errands. He has a small room in the castle and he interacts when called upon with the other subjects in the employ of the old Royal but Jefferson is happiest exploring on his own. He realizes he is unhappy soon enough, being surrounded by all these newly-engaged couples and dodging their well-meaning questions of when he himself will court someone. He tells himself that it's okay, he's okay, because he doesn't know the price he'd pay if he were to be true to himself, to admit that he likes both women and men and those in between. So Jefferson spends his time exploring the other worlds, going through the doors and walking mostly in Wonderland, where everything is a bit off from his home land but soon familiar enough so he's comfortable with it (unlike when he made the mistake of door #4, never again, not alone, that is a promise to himself.)

So the Hatter is in Wonderland and is careful, so careful not to draw attention there because the tides are turning in this space: the Queen of Hearts is gobbling up more and more power every day and the sky is growing dark with fearsome clouds. It's a bit frightening, and Jefferson is closer to vowing to never return but then he meets a young boy dressed as a knight. He is immediately charmed and spends far longer than normal in Wonderland than he usually does.

“Help me escape,” the young man says after they have been meeting for a time, sharing picnics and stolen kisses underneath the shade of giant mushrooms and the Hatter is torn. The rule of travelling is a life for a life, an equal debt and Jefferson has always come here on his own. The Hatter will never consign someone to stay here, he is not that cruel; though there is a man in the castle, a guard who is quick with his fists and getting into fights. (The Hatter knows this stresses the King out, and he is nothing but a loyal liege, trusted with secrets not privy to the advisory council because who would the lone Hatter tell.) So Jefferson promises to return for his lover, this brave beautiful man with sun-kissed blond hair and a sword that's almost as big as he is.

The Hatter seeks out the guard and explains, there is a land on the other side where his fisticuffs and manner will be appreciated. All he has to do is take a trip, and be aware that he can never return to Fairytale Land. (He explains all this leaning against the bars of lock-up, an insolent smile twisting his lips and the Hatter tells himself it is for the better.) The guard thinks it over and nods his head, a quick short jerk and a handshake. There is a deal and it is sealed.

The magic hat twirls and the duo step through. The guard, the knight from Fairytale Land who lived more in lock-up than in his given quarters, is mesmerized and in awe. He seeks his fortune and works his way up to become the Red Queen's most loyal executioner - but that is a story for later. For now, it is the time when he knocks out the Hatter so the man with his flashy clothes cannot possibly follow. The guard does not consider returning to the old world, for this new world is full of promise.

Jefferson wakes with an aching head and a pale face leaning over him. It is the knight that the Hatter maybe loves, the knight who has only removed his armor once in front of him. He has a small rucksack next to his knees and slim hands are on the Hatter's stubbled cheeks. “Are we leaving, have you come to take me away?” There is a smile and a kiss, it is only a little wet (it doesn't matter who is crying, maybe they both are) and they step through the mirror. It is a new life for the both of them.

But they get to Fairytale Land and the young knight is secretive and shy, balking at the idea of letting Jefferson introduce him to the court. They talk and it is not so much about the Hatter's potential ruined reputation for loving another man, but the larger secret that is the truth between the two of them, confided in Wonderland in whispers.

The knight is a woman in all but body.

They stay up late that night and the following, talking and sewing (because the Hatter is best at making hats, yes, but he has skill with all sorts of cloth and a needle in his careful hand). It takes two days and then the Hatter is finished, creating a dress for his lover that hides a flat chest and is in her favourite shade of blue.

The court introduction happens a few days later: the Hatter and his lover from a far-off land beyond, Alice. She is quiet but friendly, making friends with Princess Snow and the servants alike. She likes it best to stay in the caregiver's set of rooms, helping to watch over the small children of guards and maids. Hatter sews and takes his trips, becomes closer to the new Queen.

“I don't like her much,” Alice says against Jefferson's bare throat as they share a pillow. “She frightens me, it's like she looks inside my soul and sees everything. I have known Queens and they are never good.”

“Hush, my love,” the man reassures. He slips an arm around her and draws her closer. “A few more favors and she will owe me enough to use her magic to help us. I promise it will be okay.” Alice goes quiet, shoulder-length hair tangling around his fingers. She cannot deny the Queen's ability with magic is unmatched in Fairytale Land or Wonderland.

And so it happens, the Hatter does a set of very large favors for the Queen; spying on those in the forest and twirling his hat to locate objects, a set of special drawers amongst them that the Queen expands and they take up a wall of their own in her chambers. Then they come to her in the setting twilight, sun casting long shadows against the stone floor.

“I have done enough for you,” the Hatter says. “It is past time that you do something for me.”

“For us,” Alice corrects and Jefferson tucks her against his side. Alice is dressed in her favourite gown, the first one he ever made her.

The Queen looks at them with a raised eyebrow and dark eyes. She lounges back in her chair and waves a hand. “What can I grant you? A new house, perhaps?”

“We want to have a child.” the Hatter says and oh, he is grateful the doors to her chambers are shut. “You are the one who can help us.”

“Something not working below the belt? I always knew you were an odd one.” The Queen chuckles at her own joke and the Hatter's face remains impassive. His fingers tighten on the waist of Alice, who briefly covers his hand with her own but then steps forward.

“No, your majesty. It is I who is having trouble.” She goes to the Queen and whispers in her ear the secret that has been kept from the entire court. The Hatter watches with narrow eyes and mussed hair as the Queen's dark eyes widen and her mouth thins.

“Oh,” she says as Alice steps back. Jefferson draws her ever closer, bottom of the bright blue gown brushing the tops of his boots. “I can see why that would cause some problems, yes. So you expect I can just change your nature, the very body you have?”

The Hatter opens his mouth to employ his silver tongue but Alice beats him to it. “This isn't my body,” she cries out. “I look in the mirror and hate myself. Won't you please help me?” She doesn't press back against her lover as the Queen expects but stands tall and strong and true. Jefferson smiles to himself and grasps Alice's hand in his, because this is the brave knight he fell in love with. The body doesn't really matter to him but this will make Alice happiest so he will do everything possible to make it true. 

“All right,” the Queen agrees after a lengthy pause. “I shall have to do research but I am sure I can find something that is satisfactory for you both. Now leave me be.”

So they return to their small rooms and lay together on the four-poster bed, surrounded by scraps of material and the trunk at the foot of the bed holding The Hat. They don't sleep that night, too excited and grateful that the Queen has agreed to take an interest.

The sun rises and sets, comes up and falls down many times. There is no word from the Queen and the couple try not to grow despondent. Then she arrives in their quarters unannounced, shortly before the sun touches the sky.

“I have a spell,” she tells them. “It should work and you can bear a child as well.” Alice holds her breath at this news, because as large as her dreams were, this was never a part she dared to hold dear. Jefferson smiles large at the news and shakes his head in disbelief, kisses the Queen's hand like the loyal servant he is.

“Thank you,” he says fervently and Alice falls to her knees beside him, overcome with emotion.

The Queen doesn't say 'this will hurt' because of course it will and she is not one for meaningless pleasantries. The sun starts to peek over the tops of the trees and Alice screams, laid out on the rug before the hearth. The Queen's voice is hardly louder than the pain and the Hatter sits beside his lover, stroking Alice's hair as she writhes. The sun rises, gold beams lighting everything on fire. It catches the yellow in Alice's hair and the fine hairs on her legs; she is beautiful even in agony though the Hatter wishes desperately he could take all the pain away, hold it to himself to spare her from it. He thinks he will always remember this sound. The Queen's voice rises and Alice is reduced to whimpers, one hand clenched over her stomach and the other wrapped tight around her lover's wrist. The sun is fully in the blue sky, no clouds in sight. It is a beautiful day and the Queen's voice falls silent. Alice is still and the Hatter bends over her, brown eyes worried at the closed eyelids and drawn face.

“I have done what I can,” the Queen says. “He looks like a woman now,” and her smile is not a nice smile at all.

“She,” the Hatter corrects in a hard voice. He is pathetically grateful that Alice seems to be unconscious (her chest still rises and falls, he notes there is no reason any longer for him to pad the dresses he stitches) and unaware of the Queen's words. They would cut her deep. “She was always a woman and she will be my wife. Now leave us be.” It is not a slip of the tongue that his words echo hers from weeks previous and it sends a vicious thrill through him that he can repeat them back to her.

Alice wakes as the sun sets and Jefferson stirs from his silent vigil next to her. “Am I-” she asks, but doesn't finish the sentence.

“I didn't look,” he confesses, holding her hand in his in a way that is probably too tight. “I thought you should be the first.”

“Help me up, then.” Alice demands and the Hatter, not mad yet but in love, is careful as he helps her stand from their bed and she stumbles to behind the dressing screen. There is the familiar rustling sound of fabric and then a shriek. The Hatter darts around to see and Alice is standing before him, naked and smiling.

“My outsides match my insides now!” There are tears in her bright blue eyes. She launches herself at Jefferson, speaking about how wonderful the Queen is and how Fairytale Land is miles above the place she once called home, where no hope like this even existed but in her dreams. The man views their bed chamber through a blurry haze of his own tears and stays silent about what the Queen said before she swept out. Instead, he carries Alice to bed and they learn her body together, with gentle hands and laughter and the sun is close to rising before they fall asleep.

“I want to make you mine,” the Hatter murmurs against the slight swell of her breast. Alice strokes a soft palm down the muscles in his arm.

“We are each other's already,” she says chidingly, pressing a kiss against his dark hair.

Alice is happier now, not that she wasn't before, but it is a clear enough change that the castle peons whisper and chuckle that there surely must be a reason. The Hatter returns to running favours for the Queen and King, scowling when it is only the Queen around. It is a situation that is more and more common. She snaps and sneers at him, they are on thin ice with each other. The Hatter doesn't say a word to Alice about the way their brief conversations go nowadays.

Alice is the one to propose to Jefferson. It is during a picnic in the gardens outside, reminiscent of their meetings before. The wedding is small and the King is pleased to see one of his favourite advisors so happy. Alice's dress is draped in such a way that her growing stomach is not artfully hidden but fully visible.

“I wish you the best of luck,” the frail King congratulates them afterward. “Now, you treat her right and don't let her lack for nothing.”

“I shall do my best,” the Hatter swears and Alice leans over to kiss his cheek.

“Congratulations to the both of you,” the Queen is sotto voce with a wide, false smile painted on. Alice and Jefferson stand straight and thank her neutrally. The greeting line continues and it is only well-wishers for luck and good fortune from there on out.

Seasons change and the weather grows warmer, summer nigh upon all those in Fairytale land. The days grow longer and on the longest day of the year, Alice is in bed, sweat beading her brow and surrounded by other women. The Hatter is on an errand for the Queen, searching out another magical object. He has been gone for two days.

He returns with a limp and the shadow of a beard. He returns to a baby girl named Grace.

“I'm sorry,” the midwife says. “Her body couldn't handle the stress, we tried everything possible.” The Hatter doesn't hold it against the older woman and clutches Grace tighter to his chest.

Grace cries for her mother and the Hatter sobs with her. “I promise I'll take care of you,” he whispers to her little head. “I won't let you grow up alone or unloved, little one."

There is a funeral for Alice, the young woman who made the Hatter smile more than anyone could remember. He attends with baby Grace held in the crook of one arm. He leaves as the Queen stands with a false smile to say some words, walking down the middle of the aisle as Grace wails. He doesn't return to the castle and no one follows.

The Hatter makes a home for himself in the middle of a long forest, a cottage of few rooms that he found during his earlier activities. Grace grows into a little girl, toddling around and poking at mushrooms, moss and earthworms. She is his sunshine, brown-blonde hair tied back and mischievous smile on her face. Jefferson tries to make a good life for her and sings her to sleep, makes stuffed poppets from scraps and befriends the neighbors so they will watch her when he goes to find work.

No one comes to visit them. The Hatter is not sure if it is because they are in the middle of the forest and he is too well hidden, or if the Queen gave away Alice's former life to all in attendance. He grows angry at the thought but Grace holds tea parties and reminds him that there is more to life than revenge.

Then the Queen comes to visit and nothing is ever the same.

_Epilogue:_

Jefferson is alone in the house, unable to leave and unwilling to go. To leave is to abandon Grace, and he will not. He will never leave his daughter alone in this world. She doesn't know it, she has no idea of his existence, but it is no less true.

The world, this different world with its pollution and too-young forest - no one seems to age even though it's been far too many years. They are caricatures of themselves and Jefferson knows exactly who designed them. He reaches delicately up to touch the scar around his neck and is beholden, in a way, to his curse.

He knows, if Alice were here, that she would be alone. Jefferson wouldn't put it past the Queen to put his wife in the body she hated, just to spite him and his awful dual memory. He can imagine Regina would be cruel enough to cast her as a model or the object of a photographer's desire. Jefferson would be the only one in Storybrooke to weep over the handsome young man and it would likely kill him inside.

Jefferson is grateful his wife is dead in both pasts, because he doesn't know if he could offer her happiness in this new world. So instead, he keeps his promise to watch out for Grace, spying on her through the window from his too-large house on the hill. The arrival of Emma Swan is promising, more so in that the Queen ignores him in favour of playing cat and mouse. It is enough time for Jefferson to put his own plan into motion; he waits by the roadside for a yellow Volkswagon and hopes that this mother, the saviour-figure from outside the town limits, can open her mind and parse the truth from the lies in the picturesque town.

**Author's Note:**

> \+ title from a poem by t.s. eliot  
> \+ this idea came from a post that Sebastian Stan seems to play queer characters. I sort of upended the idea & ran with it.  
> 


End file.
